Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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