We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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