officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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