i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
