Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
