I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
