I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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