I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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