So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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