He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Holy sore nipples Batman
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
