Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
