i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
her vagine was all disorganized.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
