one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
