i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
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