Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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