did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
