I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I will pee on everything he values.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
