she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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