I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
