You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
