Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
