At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
