Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
