I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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