Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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