"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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