we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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