Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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