a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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