I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
