i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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