Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I have aggressive nipples.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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