nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
