I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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