Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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