Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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