If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
