I want to stick my p in your. b.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
