Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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