Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
