You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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