I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Still dying that you shit outside
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
