I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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