I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
