life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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