I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
