my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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