11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
