that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
