he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
