I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize