i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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