Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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