I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
