I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
