I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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