This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
