I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
