I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
