I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize