im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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