I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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