i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
