I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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