Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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