you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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