I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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