Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
