a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize