If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
